1 00:00:02,052 --> 00:00:04,820 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,888 --> 00:00:08,289 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,358 --> 00:00:11,977 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,014 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,283 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,553 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,266 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,956 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,008 --> 00:00:29,844 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:38,922 --> 00:00:41,005 All right, who's ready for a little tailgating? 11 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:44,392 Hey, Brian, toss me a cold one! 12 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:48,547 Ah. Nothing better than a 7:00 a.m. beer in an unbrushed mouth. 13 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:51,934 Peter, I don't want you drinking too much. You're driving us all home. 14 00:00:52,002 --> 00:00:55,187 Lois, I know how many beers I can drink and still be able to drive. 15 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:56,421 I figured it out. 16 00:01:05,616 --> 00:01:06,965 Seven. 17 00:01:08,552 --> 00:01:09,685 Six. 18 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,269 Hey, Cleveland, what are you doing back in town? 19 00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:18,710 Just back up here for my monthly haircut. 20 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:22,263 When a black man finds a barber, it's for life. 21 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,582 Oh, my God, there's the CEO of my company! 22 00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:25,934 Now's my chance to impress him. 23 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,319 Hey, Mr. Carlisle! 24 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,221 Check this out. 25 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,675 That's what I can do for the company. 26 00:01:33,744 --> 00:01:37,179 Really? Can you do other things for the company? 27 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,392 No! No! No! I don't want to be promoted that way! 28 00:01:39,416 --> 00:01:42,134 I want to be promoted the shooting-hawks-with-a-crossbow way. 29 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:47,439 "The NFL experience." That sounds cool. 30 00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:48,757 Kid, you're the best. 31 00:01:48,825 --> 00:01:50,303 Sign with me, and you're gonna make millions. 32 00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:52,194 Griffin, get out there! Ow! 33 00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:53,673 It's his knee. Doc? 34 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,297 You'll never play football again. 35 00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:58,533 Too bad, kid. You was gonna buy me a house! 36 00:01:58,602 --> 00:02:01,922 Now I have headaches. I'm gonna save my brain for science. 37 00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:05,391 Come on, guys. It's game time. 38 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,025 Yeah! Patriots! 39 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:08,405 All right! This is the greatest 40 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,928 Sunday tradition ever. 41 00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:12,892 Except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. 42 00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:15,951 Okay, my-great-uncle-wears a-ski-hat-all-the-time Griffin 43 00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:18,053 will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, 44 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:21,056 followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi. 45 00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:22,724 Hey, where's the monkey rabbi? 46 00:02:22,793 --> 00:02:24,704 Here's your Torah. You be here on Tuesday at 9:00. 47 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:25,961 Check in with Shirley. 48 00:02:26,030 --> 00:02:27,412 You gonna need me this week? 49 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,249 Ah, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now, where are the gays? 50 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,437 Over here. 51 00:02:31,501 --> 00:02:32,645 No, no, no, the really cartoony gays? 52 00:02:32,669 --> 00:02:34,019 Yoo-hoo! 53 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,127 There you are. We're gonna need you guys all week. 54 00:02:42,212 --> 00:02:44,341 Okay, Brian, so what are the rules? What? 55 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,042 Rules? What are the rules? How do you make points? 56 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,532 Oh, no. 57 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,379 Come on, we're here. Just give me the cliff notes version. 58 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,436 Like who's the guy with the football ball? 59 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,738 It's just called a football. 60 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:56,174 Okay, okay, shorthand lingo. I like it. I like it. 61 00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,176 Now, I see some elements of red rover 62 00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:00,078 with a little bit of spud mixed in. 63 00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,280 And is anyone ever going to blow a raspberry 64 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,514 on the quarterback's belly? 65 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,961 No, Stewie, that never happens. 66 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,551 Down goes Brady! 67 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,231 And it looks like Williams is pulling up his shirt 68 00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,933 and having a little fun with his tummy! 69 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,107 Look! He's doing it! 70 00:03:12,176 --> 00:03:13,969 Ah, this is my favorite part of the game. 71 00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:17,273 When two drunk guys, each holding a baby, get into a fistfight. 72 00:03:17,313 --> 00:03:18,396 You're stupid! 73 00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:20,432 No, you're stupid! 74 00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:22,194 Oh, now their wives are getting into it. 75 00:03:22,218 --> 00:03:23,696 They're gonna put their cigarettes in their mouths 76 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,270 and bump boobs. 77 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,017 You got no class, you bitch! 78 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,990 No, you got no class! 79 00:03:29,059 --> 00:03:31,910 And now here comes security to kick out the wrong person. 80 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,779 Come on, Miyagi, take that karate outside! 81 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,695 With a five-point lead and only 10 seconds left, 82 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,220 all the Patriots have to do is kneel down with the ball, 83 00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,722 and the game is... Oh, my God, it's a fumble! 84 00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,269 It's picked up by the Bills... 85 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,960 and they're gonna score the game-winning touchdown! 86 00:03:50,246 --> 00:03:51,246 Oh, come on! 87 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,465 My God, 10 losses in a row? 88 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,934 This whole season's been one long bad dream. 89 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,681 Yeah, like that one where I walk into the bank, 90 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,371 and I ain't got no clothes on. 91 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,823 Sir, what are you doing? You have no clothes on. 92 00:04:01,892 --> 00:04:04,059 Ah, must be having one of those dreams again. 93 00:04:04,128 --> 00:04:05,494 Better wake myself up. 94 00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:07,512 Oh, thank God. 95 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,981 Well, time to apply for this small business loan. 96 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,015 We now return 97 00:04:16,039 --> 00:04:17,383 to Turner Classic Movies' presentation 98 00:04:17,407 --> 00:04:20,959 of John Wayne's final western, Big Bill Doyle. 99 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,899 Big Bill, two men got off the 2:40 from Amarillo. 100 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,667 Saddle my horse. 101 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:32,787 John Wayne only ate beef and coffee for every meal, 102 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,868 so the director had to shoot around the fact 103 00:04:34,892 --> 00:04:36,870 that he was on the toilet all the time. 104 00:04:36,894 --> 00:04:38,388 Yee-hoo! Yee-hoo! 105 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,461 Reach for the sky, pilgrims. 106 00:04:42,265 --> 00:04:43,497 Big Bill Doyle! 107 00:04:43,566 --> 00:04:44,599 That's right. 108 00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,885 And I just made a Big Bill coil. 109 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,605 Damn it, I'm so angry the stupid Pats lost. 110 00:04:50,674 --> 00:04:53,119 And to Buffalo! Buffalo's got everything. 111 00:04:53,143 --> 00:04:54,721 They don't need a win like this. 112 00:04:54,745 --> 00:04:58,013 You know, I am gonna channel this anger into something useful. 113 00:04:58,081 --> 00:05:00,248 Like trying to get sand out of my backpack. 114 00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:06,254 It's been four years since I went to the beach! 115 00:05:06,322 --> 00:05:07,901 Try turning it inside out. 116 00:05:07,925 --> 00:05:10,559 Don't you think I tried that? That's the first thing I did! 117 00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:13,662 We now return to the Fox NFL post-game show. 118 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,213 I'm here with CJ Spiller. 119 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,660 CJ, you ran for 200 yards today. 120 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:20,201 How did you manage that against the Patriots' defense? 121 00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:22,437 Well, we just gelled as a team today, 122 00:05:22,506 --> 00:05:24,316 and was fortunate to come away with the win. 123 00:05:24,340 --> 00:05:28,059 All thanks and praise goes to God. He really won this one for us. 124 00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:30,746 Mario Williams, you scored the winning touchdown. 125 00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,454 How does it feel to beat the Patriots? 126 00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:35,016 I'd like to thank God and a jury of my peers, 127 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:38,063 who are both responsible for me being able to play today. 128 00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:39,921 What the hell? This is such bull crap! 129 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,034 Well, what are you talking about? Isn't it obvious? 130 00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:44,459 God hates the Patriots. He made 'em lose again! 131 00:05:44,528 --> 00:05:47,295 Peter, uncross your legs. It's weird to yell with your legs crossed. 132 00:05:47,363 --> 00:05:49,475 Come on, don't you notice that whenever the Patriots lose, 133 00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:51,527 the other team always thanks God? 134 00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,711 Huh. Peter does kind of have a point. 135 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,137 Guys, I'm tired of God messing with football. 136 00:05:56,206 --> 00:05:57,583 We got to do something about it! 137 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,807 Like what? 138 00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:01,559 We got to find God and tell him to cut the crap. 139 00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:03,706 How many times is God gonna ruin our Sunday 140 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,963 with both church and bad football? 141 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,700 It's time someone told God to stay where he belongs, 142 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,068 in our schools. 143 00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,353 And telling people where they can stick their wieners. 144 00:06:12,422 --> 00:06:15,139 Now, what do you say? Let's go find God! 145 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,769 All right, I'm in! Me, too! 146 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,025 Let's do this! 147 00:06:19,228 --> 00:06:20,762 Whoa, whoa, Joe, Joe! What the hell? 148 00:06:20,831 --> 00:06:24,231 What? I thought, "find God" was a code word. 149 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,334 No. We meant literally go and find him. 150 00:06:26,402 --> 00:06:27,469 Oh. 151 00:06:27,537 --> 00:06:29,888 Well, I already texted Bonnie. 152 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,713 Ugh. What a night. 153 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:57,682 Whew! 154 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,751 What... A... Night. 155 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:04,389 Ca... ray... zy. 156 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,909 Uh, yes, telegram for hungover. 157 00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:11,162 Yes, I'll sign for that, thank you very much. Oh, boy. 158 00:07:11,215 --> 00:07:13,459 How was your night, Stewie? 159 00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:17,235 Ugh! Get your own life, bro. Get off my sack. 160 00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:19,671 Well, Lois, the guys and I are off to find God. 161 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,022 Peter, that's ridiculous. 162 00:07:21,091 --> 00:07:22,456 This is ridiculous? 163 00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:25,043 There's 500 old grocery bags neatly folded 164 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,923 and crammed into one of our cabinets. 165 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,580 I'm leaving those for the kids. 166 00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,131 Peter, the idea of God, 167 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,901 let alone that he'd care anything about football, is absurd. 168 00:07:32,969 --> 00:07:34,280 Well, it's absurd to think that 169 00:07:34,304 --> 00:07:35,581 my hand scratching on the couch 170 00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:37,845 is some kind of animal, but you do. 171 00:07:49,352 --> 00:07:50,618 What the fuck is that? 172 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,824 Okay, this is God's house, so we'll just go in there, 173 00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,671 talk to him, and take care of this whole thing. 174 00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,361 It'll be easy as one, two... 175 00:08:25,355 --> 00:08:27,122 Three. 176 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,942 Hang on, guys. I want to enter the church like Sherman Hemsley in Amen. 177 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:52,063 There was a baby's funeral going on in there. 178 00:08:57,821 --> 00:08:59,649 Huh. God's all over this Bible, 179 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,417 but they never give you an exact address. 180 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:04,136 You guys, look. I saw this article in the paper today. 181 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,827 "First headline read aloud often incorrect." 182 00:09:06,896 --> 00:09:08,507 No, no, not that one, the one below it. 183 00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,865 Oh. "Carrie Underwood credits her success 184 00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:13,234 "to personal relationship with God." 185 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,514 You think she knows where we can find him? 186 00:09:15,538 --> 00:09:19,307 I'm sure she does. She's smart. She won her job in a contest. 187 00:09:19,375 --> 00:09:21,426 Guys, we are going to Nashville. 188 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,890 Don't worry. That wasn't our line. Here comes our line. 189 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,797 Wow, the Country Music Awards! 190 00:09:42,866 --> 00:09:45,644 And you know it's huge 'cause it's on a Tuesday night. 191 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,628 Hey, look, there's Taylor Swift. 192 00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,237 And there's Taylor Not-so-swift. 193 00:09:50,306 --> 00:09:54,109 ♪ I broke up with a birthday cake ♪ 194 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,211 Ugh. We went on, like, two dates. 195 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,725 Hey, you're Carrie Underwood, right? 196 00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:01,861 I sure am. You want an autograph? 197 00:10:01,885 --> 00:10:03,829 Yeah, can you get me Randy Travis'? 198 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,898 Uh, I don't think so. 199 00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:08,223 Hey, in that song Jesus, Take The Wheel, 200 00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:09,890 was that, like, the real Jesus, 201 00:10:09,959 --> 00:10:11,492 or was it just some Mexican guy? 202 00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,473 No, it was the real Jesus. 203 00:10:13,497 --> 00:10:14,707 Wow. So, you know him? 204 00:10:14,731 --> 00:10:16,480 We're actually looking for his father. 205 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,283 Do you know where we can find God? 206 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,929 Well, God is everywhere. 207 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,598 He's in our hearts, and we take him with us wherever we go. 208 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,500 Yeah, we're looking for, like, an address. 209 00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:27,892 Look, you guys, I don't know who you are, but I have to go perform. 210 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,894 Peter, I don't think she knows where God is. 211 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,095 Let's go. 212 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,626 Hey, you know I don't like you talking to other guys. 213 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:37,601 I'm sorry, Jesus. Whatever. 214 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,405 Give me 40 bucks. I want to get a Toby Keith hat. 215 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,967 You sure you don't want to stay for the show? 216 00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:43,535 Nah. This place gives me the creeps. 217 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:45,704 Like when I went to that pedophile opera. 218 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:49,013 We are proud to present Mozart's The Magic Flute, 219 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,281 in A minor. 220 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:55,069 And you still won't give us an Emmy? Come on! 221 00:10:55,138 --> 00:10:56,648 If Modern Family did that joke, 222 00:10:56,672 --> 00:10:58,912 you'd be carrying 'em around on your shoulders! 223 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,613 Well, God wasn't in Nashville either. 224 00:11:05,682 --> 00:11:07,876 Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. 225 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,162 All right, look, maybe I'm not like other football fans, 226 00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:12,898 but I don't have a fulfilling career and a rich family life. 227 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,321 Football is all I got. 228 00:11:14,390 --> 00:11:17,158 Peter's right. We all live and die with the Patriots. 229 00:11:17,227 --> 00:11:18,743 Yeah, we got to do this. 230 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:21,057 Even if it means traveling to the ends of the earth. 231 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,331 That's the spirit, guys. We'll find him. 232 00:11:23,399 --> 00:11:25,800 It can't be any harder than finding that cheese. 233 00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:27,329 I think the cheese is that way. 234 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,898 I'm pretty sure it's over here. 235 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,840 Guys, guys, finding the cheese is what they want us to do. 236 00:11:32,742 --> 00:11:34,742 Let's just chill. 237 00:11:34,811 --> 00:11:36,731 I don't know where they're getting all this weed. 238 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,453 "In Greece, it was commonly held 239 00:11:45,522 --> 00:11:46,887 "that one could speak to the gods 240 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,656 "from the top of Mount Olympus." 241 00:11:48,725 --> 00:11:50,157 We should probably go there. 242 00:11:50,226 --> 00:11:52,037 What do you mean "gods"? There's more than one? 243 00:11:52,061 --> 00:11:54,289 Yes, Peter. Greece is polytheistic. 244 00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:55,641 Quick, Peter, say something 245 00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:57,665 so he thinks you know what he's talking about. 246 00:11:57,733 --> 00:11:58,866 Words. 247 00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,135 Yeah, you get it. 248 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,841 Apparently, the Greeks have a bunch of different gods. 249 00:12:07,910 --> 00:12:09,544 Athena's the goddess of wisdom. 250 00:12:09,612 --> 00:12:11,178 Poseidon is the god of the sea. 251 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,659 And I am Kronos, the god of time. 252 00:12:13,683 --> 00:12:14,960 Oh, cool, what do you do? 253 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,330 I tell the time and make gift baskets. 254 00:12:17,354 --> 00:12:19,687 So are you also the god of gift baskets? 255 00:12:19,756 --> 00:12:22,116 I don't know, you tell me. 256 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,761 Rosewood-mango candle? Kronos! 257 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,329 I know, I know. 258 00:12:28,398 --> 00:12:30,064 It's 4:30, by the way. 259 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,815 All right, what better place to find God 260 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:40,041 than the birthplace of all of Western civilization's great religions 261 00:12:40,109 --> 00:12:41,543 and one really mean one. 262 00:12:41,611 --> 00:12:43,944 I had a feeling this is what this place would be like. 263 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,141 Oh, God, it's so hot out. 264 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,175 Why is there never any parking downtown? 265 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,442 Who gets married on a Tuesday? 266 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:48,644 I got to get off these bad feet. 267 00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:49,868 Ailments! 268 00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:52,119 Oh, look, Joe's feeding 'em pennies. 269 00:12:54,223 --> 00:12:55,389 Oh, oh! 270 00:12:55,458 --> 00:12:58,108 Somebody take a picture. 271 00:12:58,177 --> 00:13:00,511 I can't believe we didn't find God in Jerusalem. 272 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:01,907 Well, we'll have to keep looking. 273 00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,331 Oh, here's our bus to the airport. 274 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,002 Wow. 275 00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:10,938 That was super loud. 276 00:13:15,111 --> 00:13:18,346 Ah, India, the most spiritual country in the world. 277 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,672 God is not here. 278 00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:34,673 Well, that whole trip was pointless. 279 00:13:34,697 --> 00:13:36,798 Yeah, plus I left my Jacuzzi on the whole time, 280 00:13:36,866 --> 00:13:38,899 came home to a boiled raccoon. 281 00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:40,635 You guys, I feel terrible. 282 00:13:40,704 --> 00:13:43,537 I'm sorry I dragged you around the world looking for God. 283 00:13:43,607 --> 00:13:45,601 I guess it was a huge waste of time. 284 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,825 Like bringin' a married guy to Vegas. 285 00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:49,577 So I'm thinking steak house. 286 00:13:49,646 --> 00:13:51,323 Do they have salad? I can't eat red meat. 287 00:13:51,347 --> 00:13:53,081 Yeah. Then we hit the tables. 288 00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:54,782 I'm already down 30 bucks. 289 00:13:54,851 --> 00:13:56,017 Maybe the sportsbook. 290 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,184 Is that near Caesars? 291 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,353 I got to get Brandy a Celine Dion t-shirt. 292 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:00,488 And then the strip club. 293 00:14:00,556 --> 00:14:02,690 Guys, we have a 7:00 a.m. tee time. 294 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,792 And are we just gonna bail on the Hoover Dam? 295 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:06,638 Hey, guys. 296 00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:08,495 Hey, Death. What are you doing here? 297 00:14:08,564 --> 00:14:10,709 Actually, I'm here for your show. 298 00:14:10,733 --> 00:14:13,267 Oh, come on, man. I'm on vacation. 299 00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:16,203 Wait a minute, Death, you work with God! Will you take us to him? 300 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,716 Sure, I guess I could. 301 00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:20,060 But don't you mean "her"? 302 00:14:21,911 --> 00:14:25,231 Look at your faces! Of course it's a dude. Come on, let's go. 303 00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,483 Oh, Death, we really appreciate you taking us to see God. 304 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:35,584 No problem. 305 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,419 I was supposed to kill Russell Brand, 306 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,154 but I'll just do this instead. 307 00:14:39,178 --> 00:14:42,613 Oh, well, wait, wait now. I mean, you could just pick us up after... 308 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,370 What the... Where the hell are we? 309 00:14:49,439 --> 00:14:51,484 This is heaven. This is heaven? 310 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:53,141 It looks like a Sandals. 311 00:14:53,209 --> 00:14:55,576 Oh, hey, I'm God. Welcome to heaven. 312 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:59,363 Oh, you got to be kidding me! Handicapped is still a thing up here? 313 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:00,943 Oh, yeah, you're like this forever. 314 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:03,028 Hey, how come everyone has different kinds of towels? 315 00:15:03,052 --> 00:15:05,503 Well, we don't provide towels, you have to bring your own. 316 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,772 It's very important that you die holding towels. 317 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,318 Have the priests not been passing this along? 318 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,824 It's very important. 319 00:15:10,893 --> 00:15:13,121 You know, I actually can't believe they let me into heaven. 320 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:15,763 They won't even let me umpire Little League games anymore. 321 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,048 Strike two! 322 00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:20,751 And, Ricky, you have got the best ass on this field. 323 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,516 Look, God, the reason we're here is we wanted to tell you 324 00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:25,434 to stop messing with the Patriots! 325 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:29,077 What? You really think I'd get involved with football games 326 00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:30,978 when there's people dying in Africa? 327 00:15:31,047 --> 00:15:34,048 Are you gonna do something about the people dying in Africa? 328 00:15:34,117 --> 00:15:35,895 No, but I'm pretty upset about it. 329 00:15:35,919 --> 00:15:37,580 Come off it, God, you know what you're doing. 330 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,337 Stop making the Patriots lose! 331 00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:41,049 I'm God. I don't have to do anything. 332 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:42,740 Ah, so you admit it! 333 00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:43,957 Maybe. 334 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,476 Oh, my God, it's true? 335 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,390 You don't, like, pay attention to how much 336 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:50,031 each individual tips at each meal, right? 337 00:15:50,099 --> 00:15:53,617 Look, look, God, why you got to hurt Patriots fans? 338 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,803 These are good, drunk people who work hard 339 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,905 to get absolutely nowhere in life. 340 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,418 There are three million fishermen 341 00:15:59,442 --> 00:16:01,709 and only seven fish left in the sea. 342 00:16:01,778 --> 00:16:03,678 But they live to watch football, 343 00:16:03,747 --> 00:16:07,081 many of them still on Zenith or Sylvania television sets. 344 00:16:07,149 --> 00:16:09,550 Please, God, we're beggin' ya, 345 00:16:09,619 --> 00:16:12,553 leave football alone. It's all we got. 346 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,389 Look, it's not the fans. 347 00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:18,726 It's just... It's Belichick. I don't like him. 348 00:16:18,795 --> 00:16:22,230 I gave that guy three Super Bowls, and he never smiled once. 349 00:16:22,298 --> 00:16:24,348 Not even at home. Be grateful! 350 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,144 But that's just Belichick. 351 00:16:26,168 --> 00:16:27,551 Yeah, come on, God. 352 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,881 Um, I'm locked out of my room again. 353 00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,617 Oh, yeah, go directly to the boss. 354 00:16:31,641 --> 00:16:33,335 Don't even try to ask an employee. 355 00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:35,226 You got to lock the doors in heaven? 356 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,346 One guy lost a laptop, and everybody went nuts. 357 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,991 All right, all right, I'll tell you what. 358 00:16:40,015 --> 00:16:43,050 If you make Belichick smile, I'll let the Patriots win again. 359 00:16:43,119 --> 00:16:44,585 Oh, okay, you're on. 360 00:16:44,654 --> 00:16:46,331 I don't know, Peter, that's gonna be tough. 361 00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,001 Don't worry, I got a lot of practice making people smile. 362 00:16:49,025 --> 00:16:51,609 I used to be a celebrity baby photographer. 363 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,562 Okay, Apple, Apple, smile for Peter. 364 00:16:54,631 --> 00:16:56,096 Smile for... No? No? 365 00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:58,093 Okay, okay, look over there. Who's that? Who's that? 366 00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,267 Who loves you over there? That's right. 367 00:17:00,336 --> 00:17:02,436 Can you smile for nanny number two? 368 00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:04,538 That's it! There you go. 369 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,474 And your mommy said that she'll be able to Skype at 8:30 370 00:17:07,543 --> 00:17:09,242 if drinks don't turn into dinner. 371 00:17:18,220 --> 00:17:19,980 Okay, okay, shh, here he comes. 372 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:22,807 Hiya, Mr. Belichick! 373 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,541 Who the hell are you? What do you want? 374 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,410 We are here to make you smile. 375 00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,623 And if there's one thing that always gets me to smile, 376 00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:30,447 it's a child's laughter. 377 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,211 So, I found this kid in the parking lot, 378 00:17:32,235 --> 00:17:34,635 and I'm gonna make him laugh for you. 379 00:17:35,438 --> 00:17:36,537 Ooh. 380 00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:39,707 Come on, laugh. 381 00:17:39,776 --> 00:17:41,370 Who's your bubba? 382 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,394 Don't touch my son's face. 383 00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:46,680 Get over here, little man. This flight is cleared for liftoff. 384 00:17:46,749 --> 00:17:47,799 Vroom. 385 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,133 Liftoff. Whee. 386 00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,535 Who's flying? Whee. 387 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,002 You're flying. Again. 388 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,137 Who's Daddy's little jet? 389 00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:55,022 I love you, Daddy. 390 00:18:00,796 --> 00:18:02,529 Oh, God, you guys again? 391 00:18:02,598 --> 00:18:04,999 All right, coach, another surefire equation 392 00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:07,718 for comedy is tragedy plus time. 393 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:10,888 And now we wait. 394 00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,643 All right, coach, now one thing that's always funny 395 00:18:15,712 --> 00:18:17,857 is when I dub my voice over animal footage 396 00:18:17,881 --> 00:18:20,581 and introduce human foibles into their situations. 397 00:18:21,618 --> 00:18:23,034 Tough day at the bank? 398 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,969 No. Just had a bad lunch. 399 00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,203 What did you have? 400 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,289 Serengeti and meatballs. 401 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,908 How absurd! 402 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,211 Look, you guys have been following me around all day 403 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,912 making fools out of yourselves. 404 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,415 Would you just leave me alone? I've got work to do. 405 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,218 Oh, guys, I guess we failed. 406 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,098 Sorry for wasting your time, coach. 407 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,799 We got to get to the hospital anyway. 408 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,103 Our friend Joe here has to have his fluids changed every 72 hours, 409 00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,977 or else he swells up and his eyes turn yellow. 410 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:51,778 Huh. What was that? 411 00:18:51,847 --> 00:18:54,660 Oh, my God, Joe, quick! Tell him more about your sad life. 412 00:18:54,684 --> 00:18:57,868 Uh, every morning, I wake up drenched in my own urine. 413 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,105 My feet are just shoes sewn to the bottom of my pants. 414 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,552 Last week, the handicapped seat on the bus was taken, 415 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,143 so they put me on the front, like a bicycle. 416 00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:07,511 After I injured my legs, 417 00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,647 my doctor said I'd be walking again in two weeks. 418 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:12,933 Huh. That's hysterical. 419 00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:15,814 Oh, my God, yes! All right! 420 00:19:15,838 --> 00:19:17,170 All right! He smiled! 421 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,316 We did it! 422 00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:20,151 Aw, man, this is my biggest accomplishment 423 00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:23,160 since my 1920s solo flight across the Atlantic. 424 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,050 Don't look in there. Don't look in there. It's all craps. 425 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:36,584 All right, we got to put toilets in these things 426 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:38,688 if we're gonna be in 'em for more than two hours. 427 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,059 Wow. You guys pulled it off. 428 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,167 Well, a deal's a deal. I'll leave the Patriots alone. 429 00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:48,296 Oh, thanks, God! 430 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,287 Yeah! Really appreciate it. 431 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,534 Oh, come here, you! 432 00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:53,957 Get off me! Get off me! 433 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,359 What the hell? 434 00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:56,927 God's mildly autistic. 435 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,447 You can't touch him, especially on the head. 436 00:19:59,515 --> 00:20:02,917 - It's all right, it's all right, it's all right. - Just don't do that! 437 00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:05,319 Sorry about that. Well, uh, again, thanks. 438 00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,020 We won't forget this. 439 00:20:07,089 --> 00:20:10,435 Oh, by the way, Conway Twitty says cut it out. 440 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,675 Just write a joke. 441 00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,328 Well, Peter, I'm glad you're home, 442 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:21,546 and I'm happy you guys found what you were looking for. 443 00:20:21,570 --> 00:20:24,571 Yeah, and this trip made me realize that 98% of the world 444 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,657 is just making each other blankets. 445 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,677 So, Brian, you still an atheist now that Dad's met God? 446 00:20:29,745 --> 00:20:31,139 Stewie, who knows who he met? 447 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,741 Every time we go to Disney World, 448 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,082 he thinks Mickey Mouse just happened to be there that day. 449 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,579 I'll tell ya, seeing God in heaven was just like that time 450 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,748 I met Mickey and Donald outside Thunder Mountain. 451 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,971 I mean, what are the odds? 452 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,551 But, Peter, I still don't understand why 453 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,019 you would go to all that trouble 454 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,510 to find God and only ask about the Patriots. 455 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,499 Oh, I asked for one more thing. 456 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,159 Ahhh! What's happening? 457 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,261 Don't look at her. Don't look at her. It's okay. Just go with it. 458 00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:55,165 It'll all be over in a second.